So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
