now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
