I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
