your parents love me but you hate me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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