I can text with my tongue
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
