I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
