I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
