I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
