i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
