Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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