onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
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I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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