this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
