I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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