if i can run in heels then i can drive
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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