I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
