oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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