I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
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He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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