I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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