I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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