I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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