He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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