i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
