This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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