i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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