It's Friday. Sex?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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