fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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