Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
