you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
