I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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