You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
