Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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