worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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