I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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