he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
