May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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