slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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