First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
