1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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