we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
