The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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