Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
