i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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