True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
