Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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