Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
