1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
