I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
