By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
