Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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