I think i peed on brittanys purse
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
