And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
