Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
