You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am one with the molecules
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
