Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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