My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
