I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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